


Crashing is Just Reckless Falling

by ahrent



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 18:07:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9083470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahrent/pseuds/ahrent
Summary: “What does it feel like? Falling in love.” Rey is barely audible under the crackle of static.
  
  For a long moment, he says nothing. Then he tells the truth.
  
  “It feels like crashing.”

He wakes up in an empty med-bay.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [archerdork](https://archiveofourown.org/users/archerdork/gifts).



> Written for my best friend, because she was having a bad day ten months ago and this is how long it takes me to keep a promise, apparently.

“What does it feel like? Falling in love.” Rey is barely audible under the crackle of static. 

For a long moment, he says nothing. Then he tells the truth. 

“It feels like crashing.”

 

* * *

 

He’s hurtling towards the endless sand of Jakku in a burning TIE-fighter, and he’s thinking two things. Poe Dameron is not going to have to die at the hands of the First Order. And his name is Finn. 

When he walks the desert, his throat burning, he sheds his armour for the last time, and wraps himself in a leather jacket that feels like an embrace.

 

* * *

 

He wakes up in an empty med-bay. 

For long seconds, he gasps alone in agony and fear. Tries his best to smother the sounds. Then med-droids roll in, and soon after, General Organa visits him. She tells him what he missed. She says Rey has gone. Rey has paths to follow, she has a destiny waiting for her. 

She tells him thank you.

And she tells him Poe’s on a mission, but he says hi.

Finn rolls onto his side, and looks at the wall, and wonders what “hi” means.

 

* * *

 

BB-8 rolls around him in excited circles, beeping furiously. 

“You know I don’t understand you, right? I haven’t learned binary by approximation in two weeks.”

BB-8 spins and starts circling the other way around. Finn moves his cane out of the way, and nearly stumbles, every step agonising. 

[BEEP]

“I have no idea what that means, and you’re not helping."

“It means I’m coming back today and you should go say hi.”

Finn really does stumble. Poe Dameron leans in the doorway to the med-bay, wearing his yellow flight uniform and an eye-crinkling smile. His hair is sweaty and ruffled and he has dirt smeared on his cheek. It feels for a moment, like Finn’s hurtling through space, and he has to look at the floor to make sure it’s not burning sand.

“Poe” He says.

BB-8 is running happy circles around Poe now, and Poe laughs, a happy, unhurt sound, and kneels to pet his droid. The droid that has been hanging around Finn for two weeks, beeping and pushing him until he grabbed the cane the med-droids had left there and got the hell out of bed.

Finn looks at Poe, kneeling in front of BB-8, and it’s just as it was, that first day on the base, when Finn was alive, and Poe was alive, and they caught each others eyes and it felt just like this. Like a gift. 

Finn needs to sit down. 

Poe grabs him, suddenly right there, smelling like motor oil and sweat and spice and one arm is wrapped around Finns back and it hurts his back but he doesn’t care right now. Poe is solid, and alive, and warm, and touching him is like watching his smile.

Finn’s cane clatters to the floor, and they embrace. 

There’s laughter in his ear, and it’s just as good as the smile.

“I’m so glad you’re alright, buddy, you really scared us for a while there.” 

“Are you okay?”

“Me?” There’s the laughter again. “I’m good, I’m just sorry I couldn’t be here when you woke up.”

Finn pulls back, wobbles a little, manages to stay up with a firm hold on Poe’s shoulders. “Why?”

Poe looks at him for a little while, then he smiles and says “you’re too weeks behind on your binary, BB-8 must have been going nuts trying to talk to you.”

There was some loud beeping.

“Don’t sass me.”

 

* * *

 

“Why don’t you just say something?” Rey asks.

“Trust me, he has more important things to worry about than my stupid feelings, he’s the best pilot in the Resistance.” Finn answers.

 

—

 

“Why don’t you just say something?” Jessika sighs.

“Trust me, he doesn’t need to deal with a pining crush right now. He just wants a home.” Poe answers. 

 

* * *

 

Poe is gone for a long time. And, alone in his plane, he has time to think about things. Things like the open gash on Finn’s back. Things like looking down and seeing his jacket around Finn’s shoulders. Things like falling, spinning uncontrollably towards the ground, and wondering if he ever said thank you.

He mouths the words, looking at the expanse of stars stretching out in every direction. He tries them out, plans how to say them when he goes back and Finn wakes up and everything becomes okay again.

“Thank you, Finn. Do you like your name?” he mumbles to himself.

“What?” Jessika’s voice sounds from the comms.

“Nothing.”

 

* * *

 

General Organa is there to receive them when the squadron returns to base. 

He tries very hard not to immediately ask about Finn. Her eyes are still so sad, so clearly mourning. She asks him for the necessary details, and he gives them to her, and he thinks about Rey, god knows where with Skywalker, and Finn, waking up alone. 

“Dameron.”

“Yes, general.”

“I thought you’d like to know Finn is awake, and I passed on your message.”

“Permission to be excused, general?”

 

* * *

 

He tries not to hover.

Seeing him again, hugging him again, was a rush in the same way flying was a rush. Except when flying, Poe knows exactly what to do, he is in full control. Standing next to Finn? Poe has no idea.

He doesn’t want to leave the med bay, not until Finn does. But he really doesn’t want to be anything other than what Finn needs right now. And what Finns needs right now is not a pilot with a crush, he needs a friend. Because Poe can see him, sitting on his cot, staring at the wall, can see him taking slow, pained steps around the room, leaning heavily on his cane, can see him smiling at BB-8, can hear him whisper “I’m Finn.”

“Have we heard anything about Rey?”

“Not yet, pal.” Poe leans back in his chair and hands Finn half his sandwich. “But it’s gonna be fine, she’s with a Skywalker.”

Finn nods, and their fingers brush together.

 

—

 

The med-droids come in for an exam and Finn takes his shirt off.

Poe doesn’t know when he’s enjoyed a medical exam more.

 

* * *

 

As it turns out, Finn doesn’t really have anyone to talk to on the base except for Poe and BB-8. And the communication with BB-8 is a little lacking. Poe taught him the swear words first so all he really hears is [furious beeping] “ass” [furious beep] “hell” [furious beeping]. He didn’t even know droids could swear.

As soon as his legs can carry him, and the droids in the med-bay finally agree that his back is stitched together enough for him to go without their supervision, Poe takes him to the canteen.

He thinks about the scorching sun when Poe’s hand rests on his side.

“I’m Finn.” He says.

Everyone at the table looks at him in silence.

“Yeah, we know.” One woman says.

Poe clears his throat, hand still on Finn’s side. To hold him up, to break him down, Finn isn't sure.

Finn doesn’t know what to say next. People know his name here. (his _name_ ) He doesn’t know anyone’s name.

The woman rolls her eyes. ”I’m Jessika.” She says. Finn is unused to names. They all introduce themselves and he forgets as soon as they do. 

They sit, and eat, and talk. Finn can feel the eyes on him, not just among Poe’s friends but from around the room. He wonders what they’re thinking.

 

* * *

 

”Do you see that guy over there?”

”Who?”

”Next to Dameron!”

”Yeah?”

”That’s the Stormtrooper.”

” _What_?”

”Yeah.”

”Grey says he’s a double agent. Here to kill the General.”

”Grey doesn’t know shit.”

 

* * *

 

Finn stares at the General for long seconds.

”That’s really not necessary.” He says.

”What do you mean, Finn?” she’s watching what looks like a video from an air-strike, taking notes.

”I would be fine working in the canteen, or in repairs?”

She pauses and looks back at him. ”Is that where you wish to be assigned?”

It’s a test. He wants to fidget but doesn’t.

”I trust your judgment, General.”

”I can’t be seen wasting an asset, Finn.” She says. ”I have to my advantage a stormtrooper who rebelled. Who not only left the First Order but was seen actively fighting for the Resistance. I need you where people can see you, still doing that. You’ve been healing, and you have done so privately as it should be. Now I need you to further our cause. Publicly. For the eyes of the First Order and the Resistance alike. Finn, you did what we are hoping many more will do. How would it look if I placed a symbol of the Resistance working in the canteen?”

Finn thinks about not having the heart to pull a trigger. He thinks about seeing a pilot as a way out, to save himself. To run. 

”I see, ma’am.”

”Do you still wish to be assigned differently?”

”I trust your judgement, General.”

”Good.” She smiles at him. Her eyes still so sad, her shoulders still so straight and proud. ”And, Finn?”

”Yes, ma’am?”

”You’re meant for more than servitude. You deserve more. You’ve earned it.”

Finn goes to work. 

 

* * *

 

He’s put through drills with young, scrappy rebels. Hands vibrating, eyes burning with revolution, tousled and optimistic. He feels out of place, feels the absence of the armour he’s so used to, flinches when the others laugh loudly and tousle and wrestle with each other.

Relaxes, when Sergeant Echo shakes her head and barks at them to get back in line. Calls them scoundrels, looks amused. 

Doesn’t reach for a blaster. 

That’s Finn’s job now. Half his day is strategy, blaster types, spacecraft types, the importance of a rear gunner position. The rest is running laps, target practice, an aching back.

Sergeant Echo places her hand firmly on his shoulder, tells him to ”take a fucking break”.

He doesn’t really talk to the others. He doesn’t know what to say. They’re nothing like the stormtroopers in his squadron. They’re something like Poe. 

 

—

 

He learns some more binary, and wonders who programmed BB-8 to speak like that.

Poe laughs, and laughs, and laughs.

Finn laughs too. 

 

* * *

 

Jessika laughs at him.

”What?” Poe snaps, shoving at her shoulder.

She puts on an exaggerated, lovelorn face and sighs dramatically: ”when will my husband return from war?” 

”Oh, shut up. That sounds and looks nothing like me.”

She laughs even more. ”You’re literally staring pensively out a window right now, you know.”

”I’m thinking!”

”About your husband.”

”He’s not my husband.”

”Fine, your future husband.”

Poe doesn’t dignify that with an answer. 

”Are you worried about him?” 

That’s an entirely different tone suddenly, and it makes Poe stop and think.

”No. Yes. Is both an option?”

Jessika sits next to him and looks out the window too. Finn’s squadron are running in formation beneath them, Poe’s jacket standing out like a beacon among them. They stop and someone claps Finn on the shoulder. Seems so say something funny.

Jessika says: ”They’re being sent out soon, right?”

Poe nods. ”Probably. He’s rising through the ranks, no longer just me and the General singing his praises.” 

”He can handle himself in battle, we’ve seen that.”

Poe barks a laugh, ”oh no, I know that.”

They watch the group take off again, somehow managing to make formation look carefree and wild. Finn’s strides are strong and relentless. He’s barely recognisable as the man Poe had come back to see leaning heavily on his cane, pale and haunted. Now, he’s shining.

”So when are you gonna tap that?”

Poe shoves her to the floor.

 

* * *

 

”But you see, then I’d already managed to convince them my name was Darius–”

Finn is laughing, and laughing–

”So then they were very confused when suddenly there his royal highness demanding they cut of Poe Dameron’s head, and, you know, _pointing at me_ –

and laughing and laughing–

”so I mean, I _have to run_ , but then I’m blowing my cover, so what I do is I yell–”

and laughing–

”Finn, Dameron, do you have a moment?” General Organa says.

They look up, Finn shaking silently and wiping tears from his eyes.

”Of course, General,” Poe says, ”What can we do for you?”

”I thought you’d both be interested to know we’ve made contact with miss Rey. She asked to speak with you, Finn, if you have a moment–”

Finn is out of his chair, running at full speed. The general looks amused. Poe is left with half a joke in his throat, already missing him.

The General regards him with unreadable eyes so he flashes her a smile. 

 

* * *

 

”What’s happening? Where are you? Has something gone wrong?” Finn is gripping the radio with both hands, as if it will bring him closer to Rey, or rather as if it would bring Rey home. 

_Home_.

”I’m okay,” there’s no video, just her voice, a little contorted across space but very much Rey, ”Everything’s okay at our end, don’t worry. We only have a few minutes before we have to move on. I just had to hear it from you, that you’re okay. You’re okay aren’t you? Last time I saw you…”

”I’m okay, Rey.” Finn says. He’s pretending that his eyes aren’t wet. 

”How’s your back? Are you healing?”

”Yeah, I promise,” God, he misses her. ”They’re taking care of me. I’m… making friends.”

”Friends?”

”Yeah.”

 

* * *

 

She’s okay. She’s on her way back. It adds an urgency to everything. The base is scrambling to prepare, to be ready for him. The General is anxious. The troops have hope spilling out of the seams of their uniforms. Their whispers say _rebellion_ , their whispers say _Skywalker_. The mourning of Han Solo carries on, thick dust in the backdrop. 

Finn finds himself staring at the sky. He is not waiting for Skywalker. He is waiting for the girl who knows how it feels to be alone in a crowd. 

The General keeps letting them speak over the radio. Perhaps she understands. She probably does. They speak hurriedly and never for long but they find the time to laugh.

Finn finds himself talking about Poe Dameron. 

 

* * *

 

”Come on,” Poe says.

”What?”

”Come _on,_ ” He says again. 

”Where are we going?” Finn does not take his hand from Poe’s. The warmth of a palm against his is air in his lungs and electricity under his skin.

They go for a flight. 

Poe takes them up above the atmosphere. They’re sitting side by side, rather than back to back and Finn can’t decide where to look. The constellations? The galaxy? Poe’s smile?

Poe has to look forward, because he’s flying the ship. But as soon as they’re drifting, caught in orbit around the place they both would call home, he looks at Finn. 

”Beautiful.” He says.

”Yeah.” Finn agrees.

BB-8 beeps softly from behind them. Poe blushes fiercely and Finn decides to learn binary properly as soon as possible. He wants to say things that make that color appear on Poe’s face. He wants to know how to make him feel things, things like what’s swirling around in his chest as they slowly spin through space, looking at each other.

 

* * *

 

_”What does it feel like”_ is what Rey wants to know. _”What does it feel like?”_

Finn is terrified. But he has crashed before. Ultimately, it’s turned out okay.

 

* * *

 

Poe is in the med-bay. He is sitting up, having his arm wrapped by a droid, grinning and complimenting it’s very fine work. 

Finn isn’t so scared anymore. 

When Poe gets up, patting his bandage a little and turning to Finn to ensure him that ”told you, just a scratch, I’ll have a cool scar though,” Finn thinks he might be looking at a place to land; an embrace to find. 

He’s not so scared anymore. And it’s fitting, that this is where it happens. This place where he’s overcome the worst of his life, where he’s found the will to stand up and stumble slowly across the room whilst his back burns as bright as it did when the lightsaber struck him. This place where he’s felt hopeless and angry and happy and scared and relieved. It’s a fitting place for a final, desperate, fall.

The sound Poe makes when Finn kisses him is a thing between a laugh and a moan, a halfway thing. The kiss is the same. It lands in something soft and something harsh and something gentle and desperate and happy and careful all at once. But it doesn’t matter, because it’s lips, and tongue, and skin, and it’s Poe holding him tightly. It’s an embrace. 

Poe whispers _”finally”_. 

The med-droid awkwardly rolls backwards out of the room.

 

* * *

 

When Rey comes back, Finn and Poe are standing amongst the crowd ready to meet her. Their hands are clasped tight together.


End file.
